"Weedman Wildeman" caught green-handed
By Michal Tellos
News Editor
January 27, 2010
 UWindsor president Alan Wildeman has been putting his area of research – the molecular composition of various botanical organisms – to better use than has been realized.
Last Friday, in a widely publicized affair, approximately a dozen RCMP officers raided the UWindsor president’s house. There, they discovered Wildeman slaving over his newest strand of cannabis.
His house was filled with hundreds of cannabis plants, and it is only one of at least 45 others.
Wildeman, known to his customers as Alan “Weedman” Wildeman, has apparently been the mastermind of one of the largest cannabis operations in North America for several decades, and he has merely been using his academic posts as fronts.
“I’ve been climbing high up in the academic ranks in Canada for years, and the whole time, I actually was high,” said Wildeman in a statement from cellblock D, where he has been napping since his arrest.
Wildeman’s latest strand, he claims, would have achieved mythic status for its potency, as he had finally discovered a way to cross-pollinate the female plants from three different strands of cannabis, allowing them to successfully reproduce without a male plant. This was previously thought to be scientifically impossible.
“It’s never been done before, and I would have been able to push it for at least $20 a gram, which is about twice what I’ve normally charged throughout my career,” said Wildeman, adding that he really wanted an entire pizza at that exact moment.
An anonymous source in administration reported Wildeman to Campus Police after noticing his constantly blood-shot eyes.
When Campus Police did nothing as usual, she escalated her report and contacted the RCMP.
“He would always take the snacks from my lunch when I wasn’t looking,” said the tipster who did not want to be identified. “He denied it, but those orange Chee-Tos fingers were unmistakable.”
Further clues pointed to Wildeman’s botanical extra curricular activities at the President’s house. While the city of Windsor was blanketed in snow earlier this month, Wildeman’s roof was inexplicably clear.
RCMP officer Doug Partson explains the brilliance of Wildeman’s scheme.
“What he [Wildeman] really did best was choosing his location. This whole time he’s been hiding behind the walls of a university, which we all know is the prime market for marijuana sales. So he’s been growing it and getting rid of it almost right away,” adding that this was the main reason it’s taken so long to apprehend and convict him.
If convicted, Wildeman could spend the rest of his life in a federal penitentiary. When asked if he has begun work on his legal defense, he said he would “probably start tomorrow.”
When asked how he feels about his downfall from academic authority to imprisoned drug lord, he simply said “It’s been a huge trip.”
Among UWindsor administration there has been speculation that the budget was slashed this year to jump-start Wildeman’s current crop.
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