A new day in freedom
By Chris Avery
Lance Writer
February 25, 2009
Michael Phelps has become quite the swimming figurehead. Being the first person to win 14 gold medals in one year is an extremely significant feat in the world of sports. But recently the pie-eyed pioneer has “blazed” another trail.
Ah, Water-Bong Gate is over, and the world’s beloved super-swimmer will not go out like Ross Rebagliati. Why? Because all authorities had on Phelps was a picture of him with his mouth pressed firmly against the top of a shaft. But it would be have had dire social consequences if they did charge him, though. This would be quite scary for the roaming students of Wyandotte Street West on a Thursday night.
Think about it, getting charged for something because someone “facebooked” you doing something seemingly illegal. Think about all the pictures you see of collar-flipped, sea-shell necklace wearing men simulating sodomy on each other in front of the bars. Surely everything from misdemeanours to criminal offenses would be flying at them from every angle. Disturbing the peace, public intoxication, public fornication, prostitution, rape, all of these things would be charged against them if police were able to convict based on photos.
So, to all the Bud-Light drinking, Jack Johnson listening, Abercrombie wearing, falsely fornicating photo fiends out there... consider yourself lucky to be living in a country where you can “get off” without punishment. And you can all lay your praise at the feet of the almighty Michael Phelps.
If never before you were a fan of Phelps, there is no better time than now. He, and only he, is responsible for breaking a new ground in justice and technology. . He has proved that what one does in a picture has no relevance to any evidence-based crime.
Like U2’s Bono, who jumps in uninvited at every social justice event in order to use his rock star status to help bring about world change, Phelps is now in the same company as Bob Geldof, Brangelina, and Oprah. I really do feel that it’s time to spread further awareness of photo liberalization. It is our right as rational human beings to be completely irrational in our picture posing and our picture taking. We need to practice our liberty by creating more photos of ourselves doing completely senseless things, because they are not incriminating anymore. Phelps has proven this.
I recommend going out tonight and expressing your freedom to act like an idiot in a picture, and then post it up on the Internet for family, friends, and complete and utter strangers to see. Now, it doesn’t have to be smoking a fat bong load, or faking a gay orgy with friends, the possibilities are endless my friends.
The classic posing beside your own vomit is a sure way to show autonomy against the structures of martial-oppression. You cannot be charged under any existing or ex post facto law of vulgarity. You may thank Michael Phelps for bringing about a new sense of technological freedom, a freedom to allow people to publish irresponsible and damaging photos up on the Internet without consequence. God bless Phelps the philanthropist!
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