WUFA strikes again: Wildeman has new 'saddest day'
By Hannah Larking
News Editor
January 21, 2009
 On Wednesday, Jan. 14, the University of Windsor sent out an email to all students announcing that classes were cancelled because the Windsor University Faculty Association (WUFA) was going on strike—again.
WUFA made the decision after University of Windsor academic provost and vice-president, Neil Gold sent out an email warning faculty members that during a strike, the school would only sign grant applications for professors who crossed the picket line. In his email, Gold referred to campus beyond the picket line as “home-free,” adding that once they crossed, professors would be inoculated with cootie shots and allowed no “takesys-backsys.”
“Cootie shots are really the only way we can ensure the safety of all our staff members,” Gold explained, adding that the WUFA cootie is an especially stubborn strand and that as University of Windsor’s academic provost and vice-president he felt most capable of applying the circle-circle-dot-dot.
“Second, of course, to Alan,” Gold said.
But U of W president Dr. Alan Wildeman was preoccupied with devising his next move.
“It’s going to be red, purple, three, five or eight,” Wildeman said, as he maneuvered the origami fortune teller he’d folded out of blue construction paper.
“Blue for the Lancers,” Wildeman explained.
WUFA president Brian E. Brown who was aware of Wildeman’s method of decision-making, accused the president of being immature.
“After hearing about Alan’s approach to the strike, I brought the information back to the table, and WUFA and I agreed, at the table, that Wildeman’s behaviour outside of our table—was childlike,” Brown said.
When asked why WUFA had chosen to strike in the first place, Brown paused, and said he would have to bring the question back to the table.
Four months later, Brown announced to the University of Windsor on behalf of the Windsor University Faculty Association that based on a rock-paper-scissor vote, they decided that a thumb war would be the only way to solve the strike problem.
After 800 rounds of stella-ella-ola-clap-clap-clap the Windsor University Faculty Association sang s-chigo-chigo until they eliminated all but one of their members to advocate on their behalf: Stephen Pender, associate professor of English, director of Humanities Research Group, chair of Research Leadership in the faculty of arts and social sciences and thumb war battalion extraordinaire.
“Really, Stephen just has the strongest thumbs,” Brown explained.
“Really, thumbs are my forté,” Pender said, dancing around.
Wildeman was chosen to battle on behalf of the University of Windsor.
The thumb war took place on the neutral territory of Sunset avenue, and from the time they one-two-three-four-I-declare-a-thumb-warred, until the 10-second hold down, 17 hours had lapsed.
Pender won.
“Wildeman just stayed in his home the whole time,” Pender explained.
The next day, an appalled Wildeman took out a full-page ad in the Windsor Star to correct this accusation.
“I DID NOT JUST STAY IN MY HOME THE WHOLE TIME DURING THE THUMB WAR,” the ad read.
Wildeman, who in the Windsor Star declared Sept. 17 to be the saddest day of his academic career, also retracted that statement.
“No no,” Wildeman said. “Today, is the saddest day. This is now the saddest day,” Wildeman explained, “The first WUFA strike was probably top five.”
In his victory speech, Pender thanked John Milton. “Reason is but choosing and Alan chose to lose,” Pender said.
“We were going to have Mike Gasher make a movie about it, but for the life of him he couldn’t find a connection between third world countries and the benefits of opposable thumbs,” he added.
For more information on the strike, visit the Facebook group entitled “Someone Help Me, I Think it’s 1969.”
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