You only want what you can't have
By Ali the Sexpert
November 19, 2008
 Dear Ali,
Can you explain to me why some people are only interested in others who are already taken? Why would anyone be more attracted to someone who is unavailable? Just wondering.
Thanks,
Confused and Curious
Dear Confused and Curious,
According to many experts, when a person seeks out others who are unavailable for the type of relationship they desire, it speaks to their lack of self worth and ability to commit to a serious relationship. Having a fear of intimacy is also a common problem for men and women. To really understand this phenomenon, you will need to know a few basic things about this issue. First, you have to be willing to examine yourself and ask why you’re in these relationships. It’s not easy, but it is necessary in order to move on from these kinds of relationship patterns.
When people have low self-esteem, they do not feel worthy or “good enough” to have a committed or significant relationship with someone else, so they settle for anything they can get. This often leads to uncommitted or half committed relationships with people who are uninterested in anything long-term or significant. If they feel worthless, they might feel that “something” is better than “nothing,” so they settle for this kind of relationship. What they actually want is a committed, loving and long-term relationship (Please note that choosing to be in a non-committed relationship is not the same thing).
When people are this insecure, they will find themselves willing to compromise their true wants for relationships with “unavailable” people, and find themselves unsatisfied in their relationships.
When their love interest is already in another relationship, they do not have to handle the responsibility of a committed relationship, and they also do not have to face the fear of realizing the truth – that they need to deal with their own insecurities. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore or avoid the truth by filling up your time with unsatisfying relationships. This is not gender specific- it has more to do with personality type and feelings of (in)security.
Risk taking and commitment
Another factor is an individual’s propensity to take risks. By chasing people who are unavailable, the risk of entering into a long-term relationship is low.
Since all the big choices and decisions are being made by the person you are seeing and their significant other, it makes it easy to only share the “good times” with them, and not have to deal with the reality of a full-time committed relationship. For example, you might be ‘the other man,’ but would avoid worrying about moving in with your partner, deciding whose parent’s house to visit on the weekend, or any other decisions couples usually make. In a way it is like “getting your cake and eating it too” and it might seem like the “dream relationship,” but it also has its consequences.
These consequences are much bigger when you put them into context of the person’s every day life, such as: who do you call when you are sick? Do you declare yourself as single, dating or “taken?” Who do you bring to celebrations and holidays? Will you choose to hide your relationship or go out in public with the unavailable person you are dating?
These are only a few of the many questions you will need to ask yourself if you are in this situation. Evaluating the risk that you are willing to take or not take in your relationship is something important to consider.
Relationship patterns and commitment
Another reason why some people get involved with attached people is because they may be competitive and like the thrill of “winning.”
If you feel like you are getting away with something, or winning a person over, then it may give you an adrenaline rush and the feeling of excitement that you are craving. This becomes less about the actual relationship and more about the concept of winning a competition.
People who get involved with someone who is not single may not feel any guilt or remorse about being “the other woman” (or man), so a pattern of affairs and competitive relationships exist for them. For some people they do not even want to continue the relationship once they are in it – they just want to win the person over from their partner for the sake of winning and beating another person out of the “prize.”
This competitive drive can be very problematic and it is an unhealthy relationship pattern that can be hard to get out of. When you are in this kind of pattern, it is hard to understand that it may be emotionally and morally wrong, because it is being driven by an unconscious agenda.
This relationship pattern is often theorized as being related to Freud’s oedipal complex where you are competing for your parent’s attention from the other parent. This pattern can be continued into adulthood if you feel that you never got attention from the parent you were craving it from. This is also where the phrase “you are seeking out your mother/father to date” came from. This kind of relationship pattern can be extremely dangerous.
If you are someone who only seems to get involved with unavailable people, then you need to find out the real reason behind why you are doing this. Some of the reasons were mentioned above – but it may be for another reason as well.
Sometimes having a history of past trauma and abuse can also cause a person to seek out these kinds of relationships. It is helpful to talk to a professional to help you discover why this happens for you.
You may be surprised by the answer. But discovering what drives you into these unhealthy relationships, it will start the change process to help you overcome this unwanted and problematic relationship pattern.
Ali the Sexpert aka Allisa Scott is a researcher and teacher in the field of sexuality. She has two degrees from U Windsor (Honours BA in Sociology); MA in Social Work (WLU); MA degree is Sociology with a published thesis about sexuality. She also holds a minor in studies in sexuality from Windsor.
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