How your self-esteem affects your love life
By Ali the Sexpert
March 12, 2008
 Dear Ali,
I was hoping you could give me some dating advice. I am a female who is new to Canada and I am not very good with approaching men. I am shy and feel awkward around them and do not know how to get romantically involved with them. I am always afraid that they do not think I am attractive and I don’t know how to get over this fear. I wonder if this is why I can never find a boyfriend! I have thought about asking guys out but I just can’t do it. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Wanting a Boyfriend
Dear Wanting a Boyfriend,
First, I want you to know that you are not alone. Many people who are new to Canada find it very challenging to find dates because there are not only cultural issues, but language barriers and social differences in gender and communication that impact dating depending on where you live.
There are also many people who are too shy to approach someone for a date because the possibility of feeling rejected is too high. Dating can be very difficult when you do not have a lot of confidence. So let me suggest some things that might help you.
The first thing I recommend is that you do some reading on the topic of self-esteem, and figure out how this relates to your issues with dating.
There are a number of really good books and websites that are helpful to people who need to work on their confidence level. I recommend Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by McKay and Fanning (2000), or The Self-Esteem Workbook by Schiraldi (2001) or Recovery Of Your Self-Esteem: A Guide For Women by Hillman (1992).
 Since there are often deep rooted issues related to a person having low self-esteem, it is important to discover what areas you might need to work on in order to feel more confident in yourself.
Sometimes society or culture gives us messages that we are not good enough if we do not look like the women in magazines or on TV, and this can be very damaging to our self-esteem.
When we do not see ourselves as worthy or good enough this becomes apparent in the way we act and carry ourselves (and how we interact with others). Sometimes we may compromise ourselves to get the approval of others, but you may not realize you are doing it.
You may be giving others the impression that you do not feel good about yourself and if this is true, then the guys you are interested in might feel like they have to give you compliments or reassure you all the time to make you feel better about yourself – which they may not want to do.
Research has indicated that confidence is sexy. So do some reading about this topic and discover what you need to work on in order to feel better. Knowing yourself and what your values are will greatly improve your confidence.
The important thing to understand is that feeling bad is only a temporary feeling, and it does not translate into us being bad as a person. If you feel bad as a person, then I recommend therapy.
If you have self-esteem issues because of childhood abuse, trauma or being treated badly in the past, then it might be helpful to seek therapy and talk about it with a professional. Self-esteem problems often have roots in early childhood and sometimes you may not know the cause of it.
It is a counsellor’s job to be supportive of you and help you understand the deep hidden pain that might be contributing to this issue. Counselling Services on campus is excellent and is located in Room 293 2nd Floor of the CAW Student Centre. To make an appointment, call (519) 253-3000 Ext. 4616 or e-mail them at scc@uwindsor.ca.
If you are too shy to approach a guy for dating, then that can also be something you can work on. According to Shy United, there are many reasons why a woman suffers from low self-esteem. They cite how a perceived lack of self-worth, uncontrollable jealousy as well as many other issues affects the self-esteem of millions of women every day.
 As for the cultural differences, this is a trickier issue. I usually recommend joining a student club that is related to your cultural heritage to meet other people from your country.
However, you might be more interested to join a club on a hobby or interest of yours so you can enjoy getting to know people where there is a common theme and less pressure to meet potential dating partners. You will likely make friends and can talk to them about how they meet guys. Or you might meet someone in the club who you can date.
You can seek guidance and the help at the International Student Centre (ISC), which is located on the ground floor of Cody Hall, across from the computer centre. They may also be able to suggest certain clubs or groups, or local hangouts where you can meet people. They can also help you with areas you are less confident in (speaking English, writing etc).
I also recommend joining an online dating site and searching for potential dates that way. Some good sites include: LavaLife.com, Date.com, plentyoffish.com, and matchmaker.com.
If you put up a profile at one of these, then you will not have to go through the embarrassment of finding out who is single and looking for dates. It also helps to put up a picture (which will increase the number of respondents you get), so find a recent picture and be as descriptive about your interests and the kind of person you are in your profile as you can. This will help potential dates an idea about what to expect from you and what you are looking for as well.
Remember that nothing will change unless you want it to. You will notice a difference if you are motivated enough to do something about it. If you continue to do what you have already been doing then nothing will change.
Ali the Sexpert is a researcher and teacher in the field of sexuality. She has an Honours B.A. in Sociology (Windsor); a MA degree in Sociology (Windsor); is currently pursuing a second MA in Social Work. Campus Kiss is currently syndicated at universities across Canada.
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