The coming out dilemma: how to open that closet door
By Ali the Sexpert
February 20, 2008
 About Coming Out
There are many coming out models that have been identified to help people cope with and learn about how to come out to those who are closest to them.
Many authors and theorists have written about the Coming Out process. This is referring to a person disclosing their sexual orientation openly, and it is called coming out because it refers to the metaphor of a closet, which was previously closed that is now being opened. There are many models and many different stages proposed.
Research indicates that these models are based on age and milestones in a person’s life.
The stages that a person goes through are supposed to be held on a continuum, however, some models state that the first stages must be complete before you move to the next ones.
Not everyone comes out the same way. This occurs because coming out is a very personal experience that is impacted by a person’s social, historical, cultural, familial and financial factors.
• Self-Recognition as Gay
This is the process of self-awareness of a person’s sexual orientation, as well as a number of other feelings such as confusion and anxiety about the changes that may need to take place because of the readjustments to religious, social and other personal changes that redefine how people see themselves. This is a time of self discovery where the person often seeks out information and resources.
• Disclosure to Others
Once a person has adjusted to their new understanding of sexual orientation, they often feel the need to disclose this to their friends and family who may have assumed they were heterosexual their whole life. Depending on how the people in their life respond, the person will either need to continue to ponder their self-awareness, or they may feel more confident and sure of who they are.
• Socialization with Others in the LGBTQ Community
Next is the stage of meeting and socializing with others who do not identify as straight. This often provides a sense of positive support and a feeling of closeness for those who are experiencing difficulties of coming out.
• Positive Self-Identification
This is the stage where a non-heterosexual person can feel positive about their sexuality and seek out positive relationships with others (romantic or platonic) with their new identity.
• Integration and Acceptance
This is the final stage where the person is open and comfortable about their sexual orientation. Sometimes people feel proud to have gone through the coming out process while others are quiet about it. This comfort tends to come with age and experience and with a lot of work on self-awareness and with support from others. Some people may never reach this phase of acceptance and feel a lot of internalized homophobia. However, people often use this stage as a goal to feel comfortable in their own skin and live comfortably.
Coming Out to Your Family
 One of the most difficult tasks for a person is coming out to their family.
Coming out is especially difficult if the person has a strong religious or cultural family who forbids same sex attractions or behaviour.
Since being anything other than heterosexual in our society is still considered to be taboo, this is an incredibly difficult process for anyone coming out.
There is no particular way that works best to come out to your family, but there are some things that are helpful to understand before you decide to come out to your family.
The most common route is to come out to your parents first.
What most people do not know is that when you come out to a parent, they often feel they need to grieve the loss of the child they thought they had (regardless if they are supportive or not).
There are six stages they will likely go through including: shock, denial, guilt, expression of feelings, personal decision-making, and true acceptance.
It is often easier to come out if one of your parents will understand, however, some people come out because they feel that if they don’t, they would be living a lie.
There are many details to know about coming out to your parents – I suggest you read some literature on the topic for details of this process.
Coming out to other family members is also something that will take time and may be easier once you have come out to your parents.
Coming Out to Your Friends
 Many people feel that their friends will be more supportive of their sexual orientation than their parents or family will be, so they come out to them first.
How you come out all depends on you and who your friends are. If you feel you do not have any supportive friends, then this might come between your friendships and perhaps end them.
If you sense your friends may need time to adjust, then come up with a plan to tell them and allow them time to ask you questions. Since it took you a while to be comfortable with your own sexual orientation, imagine how difficult it may be for someone to realize you are not who they thought you were.
Coming out is never easy for anyone – so it might be helpful to make sure you spend time feeling comfortable yourself, obtaining appropriate information and supports within the LGBTQ community.
Remember that Out on Campus is available at the University to help you with resources and support as well. They are located at 252 Dillon Hall.
You may also want to consider counselling if you need further support as they can assist you with the coming out process.
Ali the Sexpert is a researcher and teacher in the field of sexuality. She has an Honours B.A. in Sociology (Windsor); a MA degree in Sociology (Windsor); is currently pursuing a second MA in Social Work. Campus Kiss is currently syndicated at universities across Canada.
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