The fairy-tale of soulmates
By Ali the Sexpert
January 30, 2008
 In our Western culture, we often hear people talk about meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right, the one, our soul mate, or the perfect person. But is there such a thing as this person and if so, how does someone find them? This article will review what is being said on this topic and offer a different perspective about this notion of Mr. or Mrs. Right.
History of Romantic Love
Many books, movies and the media have promoted this concept of “Mr. or Mrs. Right” and this idea has grown out of the cultural value of romantic love. There is no consensus on the exact time romantic love came about (because some people argue that people interpreted things such as the bible and cave drawings to mean romantic love when it was not clearly defined as such in the past). One theory is that it originated from the Middle Ages in Western culture. Since men were the literate ones during that time some believe that women contributed to this current understanding of romantic love over time. Others have tired to “trace the source of romantic love to Islamic lyric poetry, to Greek Platonism, to Ovid, to heretical Christian Cathars” (Western Notions of Romantic Love). As romantic love developed in the Western culture, the meaning of relationships changed from an economic one to one of status or culture (which was sometimes arranged by the family), which then included attraction, desire, sexual intercourse and eventually marriage. This notion that romantic love leads to marriage in adult relationships is still a predominate notion today, however, some people do not define their relationship or love for one another based on a marriage contract. However, romantic love is still a cultural ideal and it has become a major theme in the commercial world in songs, poetry, literature and research.
Criticisms of Romantic Love
 According to some people, romantic love is a social construction and not something that actually exists. It has been argued that romantic love is a delusion that is created by the media and by people with traditional notions of the family in order to keep hope alive to reproduce families in society. Others think it is a twisted perspective of what is actually more a sexual impulse or attraction to another person. And it is argued that romantic love is something that people often feel for a short amount of time at the beginning of a new relationship. This is also referred to as the honeymoon phase of a relationship. According to James Park (2007), romantic love can also be confused with other love concepts such as sexual attraction, mate selection and marriage, or familiarity. He argues that romantic love is a cultural phenomenon based on the notion that people are more autonomous as a couple who exist when free choice is involved in decision making among those involved in the relationship. In other words, the Western notion of individualism is one of the primary bases for the idea of romantic love since collectivist notions of love were based more on economic needs or status this makes sense.
 Park believes that there are many downsides to the idea of romantic love. He argues that if our romantic love relationships are based on meeting our personal needs, then we become possessive and jealous of our partner. He says that jealousy is a learned emotion that exists when we are feeling inferior or threatened in a competitive dating world. He says that if there is a way to overcome our gendered personalities, then we can learn to love each other better. This idea is not clearly described by Park, but is likely referring to how love is often tied to traditional gender roles and fairy-tales where the man pursues the woman who is swept off her feet, they get married and they live happily ever after. Since true love takes many different forms, this is unrealistic and not demonstrative of how love may truly exist in relationships.
The Existence of Mr. or Mrs. Right
 There are books and websites that claim they can help you find your dream mate however, if you look at the criticisms noted above and think this is a constructed concept, then there is no such thing as finding the one or Mr. or Mrs. Right. When we read about these tips that tell us how to meet our soul mate, we are often given gendered advice that is based on notions of romantic love that are not realistic. Some recommendations have been to know yourself, have a social support system in place and be an initiator, do not dwell on being single, a well as stay fit and healthy. Another common tip is to decide what qualities you want in a person and never settle for less. These tips can be helpful, but they often dismiss one of the essential elements of finding a partner. Daydreaming about the perfect person and turning down those who may not fit all your expectations is likely not a wisest advice to follow because it is rare that ANYONE is ever really perfect for another person. Relationships are about much more than idealism. They are about communication, honesty, trust building, and creating a comfortable environment where you spend time with the other person and share yourself with them. Society often encourages superficial bonds by emphasizing a person’s appearance and by basing a relationship on material connections. Looks and materialism are things that can fade or disappear. There is an old saying that seems to be true for successful relationships: only be with a person who is your friend, that way you can always talk to each other. Sex appeal can only go so far in a relationship, and to be truly satisfied with a relationship, it needs to be based on mutuality and compatibility. People with common interests, similar value systems and goals in life are often much more compatible and longer lasting than couples who do not have those things in common.
Therefore, the notion of Mr. or Mrs. Right is not a realistic one, and if we continue to promote these ideologies in our society, then there will be many people wondering why they cannot find their soul mate. Finding a good fit is more realistic, so it is much better to think about dating and relationships in this realistic way than continue to live in fairy-tale land. So do you agree or disagree with this view about romantic love and finding the one? Write me and let me know what you think!
Ali the Sexpert is a researcher and teacher in the field of sexuality. She has an Honours B.A. in Sociology (Windsor); a MA degree in Sociology (Windsor); is currently pursuing a second MA in Social Work. Campus Kiss is currently syndicated at universities across Canada.
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