Dirty union tactics leave No-Name Stadium with shag rugs
By Ryan Rogers
Sports Editor
January 23, 2008
In a gross example of sporadic mismanagement, the St. Denis Centre has accidentally installed shag carpeting onto the turf of the Still-to-be-Titled Stadium where varsity athletes and members of the Windsor Lancers compete.
Director of Athletics Gord Grace was visibly unimpressed when he showed up on Monday and discovered the entire stadium has been retrofitted to resemble his old basement back at Mount Allison.
"I couldn’t believe it," said a near-speechless Grace. "I mean, goodness gracious, how does something like this happen? We had the purchase order for this excellent turf ready to go, and it was going to be gorgeous. The football and soccer teams were going to be playing on a goddamned carpet, it was going to be so smooth."
"Now they’re supposed to be hiking through a …" he was interrupted by a severe nosebleed, and refused to answer any more questions.
The mix-up is alleged to be at the error of the Lay Some Rug, Inc. carpet laying service. The Carpet Layers’ Union had been on strike, and scab workers were filling in, nullifying the impact of their labour strike. To intervene, the union saboteurs swapped an order from the old-fashioned UWSA GM Dale Coffin’s work order, with the stadium’s turf. Coffin is suspected to now have much of the 20-yard line installed in his basement, to his chagrin.
The bright white shag carpet itself, is in excellent shape, and, the circumstances notwithstanding, would be a stylish addition to any campus. "Unfortunately," said Grace, "this just won’t do. We can’t keep this in here."
By lunch, the Athletics Department was growing accustomed to the foppy flooring when a hooligan member of the men’s rugby team daftly spilt grape juice on the white carpet. The purple stain is a blemish on the record of the otherwise tidy reputation of the Athletics Department.
Though it has only been a week since the carpet was installed, unusually special guests like Rod Stewart, Huggy Bear, and the surviving members of Queen have all congregated like migrating gulls to the location. Events coordinator Meghan Carbone said, "We didn’t invite these has-been seventies socialites – they just seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to finding a tacky scene to be noticed at."
Early last week Rod Stewart was pummeled by defensive back Kyle Boutette after being mistaken for a member of the Western Mustangs during an off-season practice of the Lancer Football Team. Boutette said, "Nah. That wasn’t an accident. I hate that British son of a bitch."
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