Lancer mascot falls on hard times
By Ryan Rogers
Sports Editor
January 23, 2008
 The hardest working man on campus has been checked into the Betty Ford Clinic in Rancho Mirage, California, after being arrested for public indecency.
The hardest job on campus is not facing up to the whole city in defense of the location of the upcoming Engineering Facilities; it’s not continuously being reminded that there’s no name for a Stadium that was rushed in for the Pan Am Games; nor having to work for an outspoken manager who doesn’t know how to hang up a telephone before berating you in front of all your colleagues.
No, the hardest job is to dress up as Winston, The Lancers’ jolly mascot, and running around while the fans you’re trying to entertain are being demoralized with the dysfunctional antics of OUA athletes on the ice, court, diamond or track.
Winston was arrested after allegedly peeing on a slide in a children’s park, and then sliding down afterwards, forgetting that he had just moments earlier, peed on that very slide. Then he peed on some children. Witnesses heard Winston crying over the screams of children, “I just want to win!” He chalked the entire incident up to a crack addiction that he developed while trying to hang on to sanity from watching all Lancer home games.
Winston, a misnomer that literally traces its etymology back to "Wins a ton," (as in ‘wins a lot’) has the most difficult job in the CIS, says OUA Mascot designer Hans Feltcher. "It’s hard to stay invigorated in your work when you suck ass," said Feltcher.
UWindsor Student Health Centre director Judi Wilson said she hasn’t seen someone so compelled to abuse themselves in her long history working in the west end of Windsor.
“Generally we don’t discuss the details of a client’s case,” said Wilson, “but he wears a mask so I don’t see why the rules would apply here." She added that they were more than happy to share their information on Gordon Shumway when ALF was taken off the air in 1990.
"The last time I saw someone who had it this rough on the job," said Wilson, "it was the last two shinerama directors. Man, I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like working for Marla."
"It’s not easy doing what I do," said Winston in a public release. "But that’s no excuse for doing what I’ve done. I want to apologize to those children whom I peed on. That wasn’t right, and I’m taking the steps necessary to get me back in good health. Gooooo Lancers!"
Winston’s first step to recovery is to substitute a little prayer for the Lancers for every time that he really, really wants crack. Doctors have advised him to wait until the Lancers start winning before he returns to work. Winston figures that won’t be anytime soon.
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