UWSA VPUA Zach Cranny’s longstanding obsession with himself has lead to body waxing during work hours and has become the ire of UWSA administration all year.
“It’s not waxing. It’s sugaring. I only use natural shit on my body,” said Cranny.
The increased presence of used waxing applicators and short and curlies found around the office indicates that Cranny has moved beyond simple chest hair removal.
“I thought it was glue on popsicle sticks, and that I was missing out on snack time,” said UWSA general manager, Dale Coffin, who was disappointed when he found out that it was glue for craft time, which is postponed until the following week.
The UWSA attempted to remedy the situation by hiring a full-time professional waxer, Maryam Mirtaheri, who has waxed the famous bodies of Robin Williams, Ron Jeremy, and Bea Arthur.
“We just got sick of Zach [Cranny] asking us to wax his ass all the time because he couldn’t reach,” said VPFO Jennifer Collucci.
VPA Marla Cronin, on the other hand, does not see an end to the fixation. “I think the whole position is useless. Maryam’s just an enabler.”
“We didn’t want to get rid of Zach [Cranny] because he’s so good looking, but we had to find a way to satisfy Fancy Pants so that he can still get work done,” said UWSA president Will Ma.
Mirtaheri will not only assist Cranny with his chest sugaring but will provide full body waxing services, hold his mirrors, and provide academic advice to students.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Cranny, “our executive retreats are gonna rock! Don’t worry, nobody’s gonna complain about the Brazilians when it’s time for body shots, especially Will.”
Coffin was unaware of the new office waxer. “I thought she was Brazilian, not giving out Brazilians. I thought we were broke. Who approved this? When is craft time?”
Brazilian waxes have been attributed to the happy grunts of satisfied expulsions that are currently filling the UWSA office air. 
