Hard-up, can't get it up, can't get any and can't get the right kind
By Aaron Feldman
Lance Writer
January 23, 2008
 Hey everyone. My name’s Aaron and I’m pleased to announce that for this special edition of Campus Kiss I’ll be filling in for Ali the Sexpert. Before I start responding to some of your letters, I’d just like to say that I’ve been a fan of the column for quite some time, and feel privileged to be writing for it. I hope that I can make Ali proud!
On to the letters…
Dear Campus Kiss,
I have been single for almost a year and a half, and the loneliness is starting to really get to me. I just don’t know that many single guys in my program, and I’m not all that comfortable doing the bar scene. Can you recommend other ways I can meet new people?
Sally B.
 Dear Sally,
Trust me, you’re better off single. I mean, sure, relationships sound good on paper, but in reality they’re nothing but heartache. I’ve seen it way too many times. People start relationships so full of hope and promise, but before you know it one of them leaves me for some 6 foot 2 asshole in engineering named Dylan. We shared eight amazing months together and she just wants to throw it all away for a guy named Dylan. Ooh, he has his own car. Whoopee shit. You know what else he has? A goddamned soul patch and a ponytail. I know, that’s totally disgusting, right? Try telling her that. But whenever I try reasoning with her, explaining to her that this Dylan guy is no good and that he’ll eventually just get tired of her and leave her, she starts going on and on about how I never appreciated her when we were going out and that I have “issues about letting things go” and how did I get into her apartment? As if she could just shut out her past like that. So I ask her why doesn’t she just get her engineering boyfriend to design better locks? After all, I say, isn’t that all he’s good for? She doesn’t answer, but instead starts screaming at me that I need to grow up and give her space, like the eight months we had mean nothing to her, like our entire relationship is just null and void. So you know what I do? I walk out of her apartment and never look back. Teresa, if you’re reading this, you should know that you ruined a perfectly wonderful thing. It’s been eight days since we last spoke and I’ll have you know that I haven’t even given you the slightest thought since then. I have much more important things to do now, like writing my own column for the Campus Kiss. That’s right, a sex column. Looks like you were wrong about ONE thing, eh?
Okay! Next question!
Dear Sexpert,
What are some tips you could give me so that I might improve my sexual performance?
Thanks,
Rick S.
Okay! Next question!
Dear Sexspurt,
Recently, my boyfriend moved away to Montreal for university. We’re trying to do the long-distance thing, but I’m finding it very difficult. We’re both busy people and therefore have trouble investing the time needed to make a long distance relationship work, and when we do talk, the physical distance between us becomes even more pronounced, leaving us more upset than anything else. Is there something we can do to fix this?
Sincerely,
Shauna
Dear Shauna,
Your boyfriend is probably cheating on you. There’s a saying I like to use that goes, “do not open past the expiry date.” Long-distance relationships are examples of this advice not being heeded. Believe me, it won’t be long before he phones you up one day, telling you that he can’t talk for long because he has an important “assignment” to do, when you’ll hear a woman’s voice giggling in the background. You’ll ask who else is in the room with him, and he’ll say something like “oh, just a friend, we’re going to do the assignment together” but you’ll ask for her name and when you look her up on Facebook you’ll see that she’s in engineering so why would she be working with him on a drama assignment? You’ll phone him back up and ask him that very question and he’ll start to stumble over his words, backtracking and trying to come up with an excuse that’ll pass your scrutiny, but you’re on to him. Eventually, he’ll deflate and slowly and softly say, “I think we should see other people.” Just like that, as if eight months of love and devotion wasn’t good enough for him.
Come to think of it, your boyfriend was probably cheating on you before he even left for Montreal. Cut your losses and move on.
Okay! Next question!
Dear Campus Kiss,
While I have always suspected that I was different from most people, I have only recently come to realize that I am a homosexual. I have not told any of my friends this, as most of them are very narrow-minded and would not accept me for who I am. Likewise, my parents, who I know to be extremely homophobic, would in all likelihood disown me. I am afraid to confide in anyone, yet at the same time I cannot keep who I am a secret. This is a very confusing and troubling time for me. Please offer whatever advice you may have on the subject.
Thank you,
Alone in the Dark
…What I REALLY don’t get is, we used to talk all the time about our long-term plans, building a future together and all that. And now she just wants to abandon everything we’ve discussed for Johnny Soul Patch? What ever happened to France after graduation? What ever happened to our two children, one boy and one girl? Gone, just like that. Oh, sorry kids, you don’t get to be born because daddy’s not an engineer and takes the bus.
That’s all the space I have this week, folks! Hope you learned as much from this column as I did. I’ve given you the relationship advice. The rest is up to you!
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