Mayor finds solution for engineering building debacle
By Lindsey Rivait
Arts Editor
January 23, 2008
In an effort to appease University of Windsor students and the City of Windsor, the University has made a compromise to those demanding they move their engineering building downtown. Mayor Eddie Francis announced yesterday that he would instead be moving the entirety of downtown to the campus.
“While having the campus located in a downtown environment would be beneficial to the students, those pesky kids at St. Clair beat us to the punch by snatching up the old Cleary building. What could we do? Take the Capitol? Yeah, that’s just what St. Clair would want—for us to look like fools!” says University of Windsor President Ross Paul.
Paul promises that the move will not be costly to taxpayers or students. “The West end already has a bunch of bars,” explains Paul. “All we need are some brass poles!”
When confronted with the fact that there is a severe lack of dance clubs and other valuable entertainment venues available on campus like there is downtown, Paul ensured The Lance that proper action would be taken.
“We’re turning Hurricanes into a massage parlour. Ain’t nothing better than a rub-n-tug and some chicken wings!”
Despite strong support from both Francis and Paul, the Windsor Star’s cranky city columnist, Gord Henderson, is not a supporter of the move. “This is much too convenient for students. When I was their age, I had to walk six minutes to class! They can drive four!” he screamed to anyone that would listen, all the while shaking his first angrily at a pigeon outside of his window. “We’re giving these students an education! The least they could do is single-handedly save our city by populating the downtown area to give the illusion that it’s not dead. Hey, where’d you guys go? Is anybody still listening to me?”
Paul has also promised that the University will be working closely with the new businesses on campus to ensure that students will benefit from the strict focus on consumerism rather than education.
Students will now be able to use their Student Meal Plan cards at the new restaurants that the University has imported, allowing more diversity and nutrition into their diets. Among the many tasty offerings are shawarma, shawarma, pitas, shawarma, shawarma, and vodka coolers.
Local retailers will also be offering special discounts to students to encourage more business. Check The Lance weekly for coupons from Pete’s Pipe Shop, La Shawarma, Tom’s Parking, Shawarma Kingdom, Shawarma Palace, and Habiby.
Also in operation will be the Palace Cinema, now under new management. The University donated the Palace Cinema, now the Awareness for Social Justice in New Media Against Propaganda Noam Chomsky Appreciation Society League (or “Cinescape”), to the neglected Communication Studies Department. The Cinescape will be screening Michael Moore films as well as student-produced films against capitalism, and just about everything else in documentary form. No snacks, fun, or plots are available at the Cinescape at this time.
For more information about the move, visit the University’s website at http://www.uwindsor.ca, where printable coupons for free lap dances at Leopards are already available.
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