The rebel's guide to role-playing: Part II
By Chad Nevett
Lance Writer
September 26, 2007
 To recap last week: university sucks, so why not pretend you’re in a wacky college movie and make things more exciting? Here are the top five college movie characters to imitate.
5. Frank “The Tank” Ricard
Will Ferrell in Old School
Do I really need to explain why you should copy Frank the Tank? This man sacrificed his marriage to get drunk and party with his friends. That’s dedication and, frankly, I’m not seeing that kind of dedication from you, random University of Windsor student. I walk into Leddy and I see all of you, ugh, studying. What the hell?
Frank here lost his wife and his dignity in the pursuit of fun and you can’t just half-ass an assignment or two? For shame, I am so disappointed. I can’t even look at you anymore without vomiting a little in my mouth. Get out of my sight.
4. Sean Bateman
James Van Der Beek in
The Rules of Attraction
Nine out of ten doctors deal drugs to pay for school and you should, too. Sean Bateman did and things turned out great for him. He had sex with Jessica Biel; don’t you want to have sex with Jessica Biel?
Not to mention the line “I only had sex with her because I’m in love with you,” is like frigging Spanish fly with women. Okay, it’s not, but it’s still a cool line. Be like Sean Bateman: deal drugs, on second thought, maybe not, but do have sex with Jessica Biel and say cool lines. Rock and roll.
3. Van Wilder
Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder
There’s a flaw with this article, Timmy: it assumes university sucks when clearly these are the best four years of your life, so why not keep the good times rolling? Graduation? Getting a real job? Starting a family? That stuff is for losers! Why leave when you can spend semester after semester getting drunk, having sex and getting dogs to ejaculate into pastries?
To quote the great Van Wilder, “Don’t be a fool, Timmy, stay in school.” The only time you should be trying to graduate is when they’re going to expel you for getting minors drunk. That’s the sign that the good times are over and today is the first day of the rest of your sad life.
2. Louis Skolnick
Robert Carradine in Revenge of the Nerds
Louis is an interesting character, because he acts as both a positive and negative role model. On the negative side, he shows why we shouldn’t try to be something we aren’t. If you’re a dork, be a dork. Trying to ingratiate yourself with the cool kids will just end with them trashing your house.
On the positive side, he shows that if you like a girl, you should trick her into having sex with you by pretending to be her boyfriend in costume. (He is right about geeky guys being awesome in bed, though. Just so you know. And, yes, ladies, I am single.)
1.Delta House
All kinds of people from Animal House
Sprawling parties full of half-naked people, peeing on the shoes of frosh, having sex with underage townies, smoking pot with professors, spying on women, starting food fights, pulling pranks that kill animals, smashing guitars, going on road trips, pretending to be the fiancé of a dead girl to score dates, getting expelled from school, causing a riot downtown and sleeping with the dean’s wife... my god, Delta House manages to provide a better example of how to make university interesting than the rest of this list combined.
And, if all of that is just too much for your sensitive self, you can always do the bare minimum of getting very, very, very drunk and singing “Louie, Louie” at the top of your lungs. You don’t even need to know the words beyond the title, because no one does. As long as you’re shouting it and mumbling along, everyone will love you just the same.
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