How to Respectfully Break Up with Someone
Campus Kiss
August 8, 2007
 No one likes to be the person to break up with someone, but if a relationship is not going well or you are unhappy, then you might have to be the person to do the breaking up. There is no way to make the experience completely positive (unless it is a mutual break-up), but there are definitely ways to approach it that will decrease the negative experience or outcomes from a break up.
Create a Break-up Plan
This might sound strange, but think about the way people have broken up with you and how hurtful it was. There are many hurtful and impersonal ways to break up with someone. You could do it on the Internet, through an email or phone call, or you could just stop talking to the person. It has all been done before, and if you have any respect for the person you are breaking up with, then you will give them the respect they deserve when breaking up with them by putting some thought and sensitivity into it.
 It all depends on the relationship you have with the person. The duration, intensity and type of relationship will all determine how the person will respond, but that is also unclear because everyone reacts differently. But the negative reaction may be reduced if you put some time and thought into how you will break up with the person.
One of the most important things to think about is why you are breaking up with them. If you are upset about something they have done and did not talk it out with them, but you are breaking up with them over it, then that shows how uncommunicative you are. That is not a reason to break up with someone. However, if you have lost the passion for that person, or you are different people now then when you started dating, or you do not feel compatible any longer, those are reasons that can be explained and make sense. It is all how you frame your reason for breaking up, which is important.
Do not use this as an opportunity to blame them for everything you feel they have done wrong, and do not belittle, yell at them or put them down. You should be breaking up with someone if you no longer want to be attached to them romantically. If you want them out of your life completely, then you can also say that nicely, there is no need to be mean about it. It is a good idea to focus on yourself and what you want out of the break up. If you feel you need some space, or you want to see other people, then that is much less hurtful than blaming them and putting them down. Try to use “I” statements about yourself and avoid blaming them or bringing up negative experiences from the past unless they specifically want examples of what you are talking about. However, that can turn into a very hurtful, negative argument as well, so it is best not to bring it up.
Be Thoughtful About Your Environment
 There is never a good time to break up with someone, but you can always find an appropriate location. Breaking up with them in public, or at a family gathering or over dinner is not the best approach. Since you are the person who will be doing the breaking up, it is best to find a private, quiet location where you can talk. This should also be a location the person you are breaking up with is familiar with so they can leave and not feel trapped. It might be best to break up with them at their place so you can leave rather than doing it at your house so they leave upset. Safety should be a motivating factor, because driving upset can lead to an accident, and you don’t want to hurt them any more.
Other Considerations
Make sure there are no distractions. Turn off your phone. Make sure no one else will walk in on your conversation. Make sure it is away from others so they cannot hear you through thin walls or vents. Try to make the experience the least uncomfortable or degrading it can be for a person who is getting dumped.
It is also important to be honest. Making up lies about why you are breaking up to spare their feelings can be just as hurtful and demeaning as put downs. It is also hurtful to know a person you care about could lie to you when breaking up. If they still have feelings for you (and if you still possibly have them for them), it will be very difficult. Make sure there are tissues available, and make sure not to make other plans afterwards in case you are upset as well. If they leave give them the space they need.
It is also important to make sure the person you are breaking up with has some support. It is not your job to take care of them after you break up, but make sure someone else in their life will be there for them. Ask their relatives or friends that you know to be there for them. Make sure it is someone you trust that will not tell them before you do.
It is worse to hear from someone else that you will be dumped. It might also be helpful to get them some counselling if they need to talk to who is neutral from the situation.
Ending on a Positive Note
 Another unique thing you can do is tell the person how much the relationship has meant to you, what you leaned from it and share a positive memory with them before you leave. This might break the awkwardness a little and make the person realize you have appreciated the relationship and it is not meaningless to you. Some people feel like they have wasted their time if they break up with someone, but bringing meaning back to the relationship might make the person feel a bit better.
Conclusion
Regardless of the turn out after the break up (if you remain friends or not), hopefully the person will realize how much time and thought you put into the break up and will respect that you tried to let them down easy. They may not appreciate it at the time, but they hopefully will when they look back on the experience and realize that you really did mean well. It might even teach them a thing or two about how they can put some consideration into a break up with someone else.
Also make sure that you have the support you need after the break up. No matter what anyone says, breaking up with someone you care about is never easy. Having friends, family or a therapist to support you can be very helpful in your own healing journey.
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